📖 Read Time: 4 minutes
📩 What you’ll get out of this newsletter: practical steps for getting what you want without resentment.
Hey y’all - Brian here! 🙂
Popping in this week to share about something near and dear to my lil heart: the process of asking for what I actually want!
I’ve found myself talking about this so much lately with other friends and peers.
Specifically one convo I had this week where a friend had landed “dream client” a few months back. Less pay than she wanted, scope creep, etc.
Ultimately, the last few months have been miserable for her (just professionally, she’s good otherwise lol) and created a lot of resentment.
When we were talking she was like, “I should have just f**king asked for what I actually wanted.” (paraphrasing but that was basically it)
Woof.
I related so hard that I was inspired to write about it this week.
Over the years I’ve said yes when I mean no.
Tried to “make it work” when I knew it wouldn’t.
And I learned (the hard way) that my issue was really what my friend was mentioning: I wasn’t asking for what I actually wanted.
Mostly because I was scared of hearing no, of seeming selfish, of losing the opportunity, etc.
Newsflash: when you don’t ask for what you really want, you lose anyway.
Because you know what’s worse than not getting what you want??
Getting it… but feeling resentful about it.
That happens when you say “yes” to something that doesn’t sit right. You take the job, the rate, the partnership, but deep down, you’re annoyed. And that resentment? It doesn’t just linger, it poisons the whole experience (and probably others in your orbit, too).
Asking for what you want isn’t just about being bold. It’s about clarity, boundaries, and crafting your ask so that everyone walks away winning.
Here are the four most important things to consider (in my experience) when making your ask.
1. Get brutally clear on what you actually want.
You can’t ask for what you can’t define.
This means digging past vague goals like “I just want to be fairly compensated” into specifics:
What’s non‑negotiable?
What’s a nice‑to‑have?
What will make you proud to say yes?
Write these down. Otherwise, you’ll default to what they want, not what you need.
2. Find your resentment line.
This is the number, condition, or arrangement where you know you’ll start to feel bitter.
Accepting less than this line doesn’t make you “flexible.” It makes you resentful. And resentment doesn’t just poison the work… it poisons you!
Your resentment line is personal. Set it. Stick to it.
3. Frame your ask as a win for them.
When you make the ask, do it in a way that makes the other side excited to say yes.
Instead of: “I need a bigger budget.”
Try: “If we increase the budget, I can deliver X, Y, and Z — which means a better outcome for you.”
This isn’t manipulation. It’s alignment.
4. Under‑promise, over‑deliver.
This is how you keep everyone happy (including yourself).
Ask for what you want, but don’t overstuff your promises to get the deal. Give yourself breathing room… then surprise them by going above and beyond on your own terms.
🧠 Genius Tips (aka things I’ve learned over time 🙃)
Do a resentment gut-check: “Will I feel good about this in three months?”
Start every negotiation with your list of nonnegotiables, not theirs.
Make it mutual: ask in a way that highlights how they benefit, too.
Pause before agreeing. If it feels off, it probably is.
You can’t over-deliver if you’ve already over-promised.
As I prepare to have my 2nd kid in a couple weeks (wheeeeeee!), I’ve been considering a few things that lead me to this topic.
Specifically, how my perspective on time is about to shift and the roles of all the people, places, and things in my life.
It got me thinking about all the times I said “yes” when my gut screamed “no.” Every single time, I regretted it, and it fostered resentment. There’s no time for that!
Also, it really only hurts me lol. And it impacts how I show up for my family.
Soooooo, if this guide helps you make one braver ask this week, whether it’s a raise, a boundary, or a clearer deal, then it’s worth it.
If you relate and want to chat, I’m around! Just reply to this email.
Onward,
— Brian (@brianmschopfel)
P.S. are you considering how this fits into your personal brand?
We’ve opened a few week-long personal brand audits to help. Fill out this short form (it’ll take 2 - 3 mins max) and let’s chat to see if there’s a fit 🙂
