The Genius Guide to Becoming More Charming
How to be magnetic, memorable, and someone people actually want to talk to. Read time: 8 minutes
You know that person at every party who everyone wants to talk to?
The one who somehow makes every conversation feel easy. Who remembers your name after meeting you once. Who leaves and suddenly the room feels a little less interesting.
You’ve probably thought: “I wish I could do that. But I’m just not that type of person.”
I used to think the same thing.
Then I spent one day shadowing my dad’s business partner through back-to-back meetings in Chicago, and I realized something: charm isn’t a personality trait you’re born with.
It’s a skill. And like any skill, you can learn it… here’s how I did:
P.S. If this resonates, hit reply and tell me about the most charming person you’ve ever met. I read every response.
1. Here’s the thing you want:
You want to be magnetic.
Not loud. Not fake. Not performing.
You want to be the person people gravitate toward. The one who can talk to anyone about anything. The one who knows when to speak and when to listen. The one who leaves a room with ten people remembering your name.
Most people think charm is extroverted, over-the-top, performative. Like a used car salesman who’s “on” all the time. The kind of person who leaves you feeling gross afterward.
That’s not charm. That’s performance.
Real charm feels effortless. Like an old friend you just met.
It comes from two things: authenticity and adaptability.
Genuinely caring about the person in front of you while adapting to meet them where they are, not where you are.
2. Here’s how to do it:
Step 1: Understand what charm actually is
I learned what real charm looks like when I shadowed my dad’s business partner, Jeff, on a trip to Chicago in 2017.
Jeff is the former CEO of Auction.com. When you meet him, you immediately understand why. He’s magnetic. Walk into any room and ten people are surrounding him within minutes.
Our first meeting that day was at a young hedge fund. The room was full of 35-year-old guys in finance.
Jeff walked in and immediately started talking about hockey. Season tickets. The game last weekend. Matching their energy… excited, competitive, engaged.
By the end, deal closed 🤝 relationship built.
Next meeting: Sears. The room was full of 70-80-year-old employees.
Jeff completely transformed. Lower energy. Warmer. He talked about his kids the whole time. Asked about their families. Listened more than he spoke.
Same outcome.
That’s when I understood: charm isn’t about being loud or extroverted. It’s about being a chameleon, adapting to the room without losing yourself.
“The most charming people don’t talk at their level. They talk at yours.”
Step 2: Read the room in 30 seconds
When you walk into a conversation, you’re looking for clues.
Start with the basics: demographics and age. What someone younger cares about is probably different from what someone older cares about.
Then, match their energy. Jeff was animated with the hedge fund guys, softer with the Sears employees. Don’t bring party energy to someone who’s clearly reflective.
Finally, listen for what they talk about first. People tell you what matters to them within minutes.
Kids? That’s the thread.
A project? That’s the thread.
A recent trip? That’s the thread.
“Your job is to pull the thread—not redirect the conversation back to yourself.”
Step 3: Make every person feel like the center of the universe (for five minutes)
This is the whole game.
A couple months ago I was on a trip with my dad and I sat next to someone at dinner who mentioned they brew kombucha. Most people would say “oh cool” and move on.
I asked: “What made you start?”
They told me about gut health and fermentation. So I went deeper: “What’s the hardest part?”
Then: “What’s your favorite batch you’ve made?”
By the end of dinner, they were teaching me about SCOBY hotels and flavor experimentation.
I learned something fascinating. They felt heard.
The mechanics are simple:
When someone tells you something, go deeper:
“What made you decide to do that?”
“How did that feel?”
“What happened next?”
Not performative listening where you’re waiting for your turn to talk. Real listening.
“People like people who like them. When you’re genuinely interested in someone, they feel it.”
Step 4: Remember the small things
Jeff remembers everything. Your name. Your kids’ names. The last thing you talked about.
Not because he has a photographic memory but because he cares enough to pay attention.
When you see someone again:
“How’s your daughter doing with soccer?”
“Did that project go well?”
“How was that trip?”
This isn’t a trick. It’s just showing people they mattered.
“Charm isn’t just in the moment. It’s remembering what mattered after the conversation ends.”
Step 5: Adapt without being fake
Here’s the difference:
Fake charm: Pretending to care about something you don’t care about to impress someone.
Real charm: Finding what the other person cares about and genuinely exploring it even if it’s not your thing.
I don’t brew kombucha. I probably never will. But I was genuinely curious about why someone finds it fascinating.
You don’t have to love hockey to ask someone why they love it.
You don’t have to be a parent to care about someone’s kids.
You don’t have to share someone’s interests to be curious about them.
The shift: Believe that every person you meet could be the most interesting person you’ve ever met. Make it your job to find out what makes them that.
And here’s what I’ve learned from watching Jeff and practicing this myself: when you approach people this way, you actually DO find them interesting. It’s not a trick… it’s a shift in how you see people.
“Charm isn’t about being interesting. It’s about being interested.”
Step 6: Know what kills charm
Being over-the-top or performative.
If you’re “on” all the time, people can tell. It’s exhausting.
Centering yourself.
If you’re constantly redirecting conversations to your stories, you’re not charming—you’re self-absorbed.
Asking questions and then not listening.
If you zone out halfway through someone’s answer, they feel it. That’s worse than not asking at all.
Only caring about people who can give you something.
If you’re only charming to people who can help your career or status, you’re not charming. You’re transactional. People smell that immediately.
“Don’t mistake charm for charisma. Charisma is magnetic energy. Charm is making people feel good when they’re with you.”
You don’t need to be charismatic to be charming. Introverts are often the most charming people in the room… they just do it through deep listening and thoughtful questions instead of high energy.
3. Here’s why it works:
People don’t remember what you said. They remember how you made them feel.
When you make someone feel seen, heard, and important, they associate that feeling with you.
Adaptability signals emotional intelligence.
When you can read a room and adjust to match the people you’re with, it shows you’re self-aware, thoughtful, and emotionally mature. People trust that.
Authenticity cuts through the noise.
Most people are performing. When you’re genuinely yourself AND genuinely interested in others, you stand out.
4. Here’s what to avoid:
Don’t confuse charm with being a people-pleaser.
Charm isn’t agreeing with everyone. It’s making people feel good while still being yourself.
Don’t think you need to be extroverted.
Some of the most charming people I know are introverts. They’re just great at asking questions.
Don’t fake interest.
People can tell. If you’re asking questions just to check a box, it’s worse than not asking.
Don’t perform energy you don’t have.
If you’re naturally lower energy, that’s fine. Calm, thoughtful charm is just as magnetic as high-energy charm.
5. You’ll know it’s working when:
People remember you after meeting you once
Conversations feel easy, not forced
People open up to you quickly
You can connect with anyone—regardless of age, background, or energy level
People ask about you when you’re not around
You leave interactions and people feel better for having talked to you
You’re not exhausted after socializing—because you’re not performing
6. Now go:
This week, try this:
Pick one conversation and make it your goal to make that person feel like the center of the universe for five minutes.
Ask them about something they care about. Go deeper with follow-up questions. Actually listen.
See how it feels. See how they respond.
Start here if you only have 10 minutes:
Next time you talk to someone, instead of thinking “What should I say?” think “What can I learn about them?”
Then ask one good question and actually listen to the answer.
Next Friday: The Ordinary Story of Someone Who Went From Awkward to Magnetic
P.S. My dad and I travel a lot on this boat called The World. He laughs because whenever I leave, everyone asks him where I am. I’m more popular than him on his own trip.
That’s not because I’m louder or more interesting, it’s because I genuinely believe every person could be the most fascinating person I’ve ever met. And I make it my job to find out what makes them that.
Writing from Austin, thinking about Sears (RIP Sears you could’ve been Amazon),
Alex
Really enjoyed this one, Alex! It resonates me because I love learning about others. I wish there were more opportunities to network casually in person. Networking on LinkedIn feels so transactional sometimes.