The Genius Guide to Letting Yourself Want What You Actually Want
How to stop chasing goals that sound impressive, and start building a life you don’t need to escape from. Read time: 6 minutes.
The new year is coming. We’re making goals, New Year’s resolutions, ideas to guide us into the next year. I sat down to do a vision board, and I realized how different mine looks this year from years’ past.
Before, it would’ve been filled with power, money, success.
Now, it’s filled with family, friends, happiness, and stability.
I don’t think it’s because I’ve given up or stopped being ambitious. I think it’s because I finally let myself admit what I actually want instead of what I thought I should want.
For years I chased the “impressive” stuff because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re building something… You’re supposed to want more revenue, more growth, more recognition, more everything. I mean sure, yeah, I did want those things, or at least I thought I did, until I started getting them and realized they didn’t feel the way I expected.
The shift wasn’t dramatic, it was gradual, like finally admitting to your friend group that you find the Lord of the Rings movies boring even if they all disagree with you (I’m so sorry).
So… before you make your list of goals for 2026, before you commit to the next big thing, I want you to ask yourself one question, “Is this actually what I want, or is this what I think I’m supposed to want?”
The difference matters more than you think… now, let’s get into it:
1. Here’s the thing you want:
You want to stop lying to yourself about what you actually want.
Not in a dramatic way, in a quiet, insidious way where you tell yourself you want the promotion, the bigger business, the impressive title, the revenue milestone, the recognition… because that’s what ambitious people are supposed to want, but when you really sit with it, you’re not entirely sure you actually want any of it.
Maybe what you actually want is smaller, quieter, less impressive, like more time or more space or more freedom to do nothing. Maybe you want to work less instead of more, to build something modest that pays the bills without consuming your life, to stop performing ambition and just exist. But that doesn’t sound like something a serious person would say, so you keep chasing the thing you think you should want, and it’s exhausting.
2. Here’s how to do it:
Start asking yourself questions, and answer them…honestly.
A few years ago a mentor told me I should find a CEO for my business, and I got so upset, like genuinely angry about it. I was trapped in this ego validation that said, “Well the CEO is the most important so of course you want to be that.” But when I really thought about it, I realized they were right—I never wanted to be the CEO, I never have been.
I’ve never wanted to fly around the country or fundraise or be the face of things or have to constantly keep up and talk to people or ride the whole business on my shoulders. What I actually wanted was to give my input, my ideas, my skills, and not carry all the weight. I wanted influence and creative control without the title and the performance that comes with it.
That’s a hard thing to admit when you’ve spent years building toward something because it sounds impressive.
But here’s what I started noticing: I wasn’t the only one doing this.
I was talking to a founder a few months ago who’d been grinding on their startup for three years - decent traction, interested investors, all the markers of “success.” I asked them, “Do you actually want to keep doing this?”
Long pause.
Then they said, “I don’t know. I feel like I should want to. Everyone’s telling me I’m onto something. It would be stupid to quit now.”
Notice the language… “should want,” “stupid to quit,” not “I’m excited about this” or “I love this,” just obligation.
I have another friend who spent years working toward a VP role at a big tech company. They finally got it, and within six months they were miserable. Not because they were bad at the job but because the job required a version of themselves they didn’t want to be… endless meetings, office politics, managing up, performing confidence even when they felt uncertain. They thought they wanted the title, but what they actually wanted was respect and influence, and there were other ways to get that without the VP lifestyle.
So here’s what I’ve learned from watching this pattern play out over and over, including in my own life:
Most of us are chasing what a goal represents, not the goal itself. You don’t want the promotion, you want the validation. You don’t want the revenue milestone, you want the security and status. You don’t want the big audience, you want to feel like you matter.
And once you realize that, you can ask, “Is there another way to get what I actually want?
For me, it was realizing I could have influence and creative control without being the CEO. For my friend with the VP role, it was realizing they could have respect and influence through their work and reputation without the title. For the startup founder, it was realizing they could build something meaningful without trying to turn it into a unicorn.
Every goal comes with a lifestyle. The promotion means more meetings, more politics, less autonomy. The big business means managing people, fundraising, constant growth pressure. The impressive title means playing a role, showing up a certain way, living up to expectations.
Most people focus on the end state without thinking about the daily reality of living it.
So I started doing this exercise: I write down what my average Tuesday would look like if I achieved the goal, not the highlight reel but the mundane reality. Do I actually want to live that day? Most of the time, the answer is no.
We live in a culture that worships ambition where more is always better and wanting less is seen as settling. But what if wanting less isn’t settling, what if it’s clarity?
Maybe you don’t want the empire, maybe you want the small, profitable thing that funds your life without it being your whole life. Maybe you don’t want to be famous but rather known by the people who matter and invisible to everyone else. Maybe you don’t want to work 60-hour weeks. Maybe you want a job that pays well and ends at 5pm so you can go live your actual life.
You have to give yourself permission because nobody else will, and you’re allowed to want less than you’re capable of because capability doesn’t equal obligation.
The other thing I’ve learned: you don’t have to blow up your life to figure this out. If you think you want something different, try a small version first.
Think you want to quit your job and freelance? Start freelancing on the side, and see if you actually like it or if you just like the idea of it. Think you want to move to a new city? Spend a month there first. Think you want to scale your business? Talk to people who’ve done it, and ask them what their day-to-day actually looks like.
Most people commit to the big change and then realize six months later that they wanted the idea, not the reality.
Here’s what changed for me: I started paying attention to the language I use when I talk about my goals. “Should” and “supposed to” became red flags. When I catch myself saying “I should want this” or “I’m supposed to do that,” I stop and ask, “Do I actually want this, or do I think I should want this?
If the honest answer is “should,” I ask, “What does this goal represent to me, and is there another way to get that?
Most of the time, there is.
3. Here’s why it works:
You stop wasting energy chasing things you don’t actually want. Once you do that, you can intentionally build toward what you do want instead of grinding for years only to realize you wasted so much time on a goal that wasn’t worth it.
You stop performing for other people. Most of what we think we “should” want is born from culture, social media, or the people around us. When you let that go, you get your life back.
You make better decisions. When you’re clear about what you want, ambivalence disappears, and you’re not constantly second-guessing yourself or optimizing for someone else’s definition of success.
4. Now go:
This week, try this:
Pick one goal you’re currently working toward and ask yourself, “Do I actually want this, or do I think I should want this?
If the honest answer is “should,” ask, “What does this goal represent to me, and is there another way to get that?
Write it down, sit with it, see what comes up.
Start here if you only have 10 minutes:
Think about the last time you achieved something you thought you wanted—did it feel the way you expected or was there a quiet disappointment underneath?
That disappointment is information.
Next Tuesday: The Art of Doing Less
P.S. I spent most of my twenties chasing things I thought I should want—the bigger business, the recognition, the proof that I was serious. Then I got some of it, and it didn’t feel the way I thought it would.
The shift happened when I stopped asking, “What should I want?” and started asking, “What do I actually want?” Turns out, what I actually want is way simpler than what I thought and way more satisfying.
If this resonates, hit reply, and tell me what’s one thing you’re chasing that you’re not sure you actually want. I read every response.
Writing from Austin, wanting what I want,
Alex
The line about every goal carrying a lifestyle really landed. It reframes ambition from an abstract end state into a daily reality test- not “can I achieve this,” but “do I want to live the average Tuesday it requires?” That distinction alone cuts through a lot of performative wanting.