The Genius Guide to Not Taking Things Personally
How to stop letting other people's opinions run your life. Read time: 8 minutes
Hey y’all,
Last week’s playbook talked about asking better questions which got me thinking, “well, what if I don’t like the answers” lol and that lead me to this week’s playbook on how to not take things personally. This was definitely a learned skill for me and it’s served me so well over the years!!
Playbook is below👇
Case study coming on Friday
Writing from Austin,
Alex
P.S. If this resonates, hit reply or leave a comment and tell me what you’re working on letting go of. I read every response and love hearing from everyone!
1. Here’s the thing you want:
You want to stop spiraling every time someone says something that stings.
A hate comment. A critical text. Feedback that feels like an attack. A friend who doesn’t reply. Someone canceling plans. Your partner asking you to change something small.
You want to be able to move through the world without constantly wondering if people are mad at you, disappointed in you, or judging you.
You want the freedom to post something online without refreshing for validation or bracing for criticism.
You want to hear feedback without your chest tightening and your brain immediately going to “I’m the worst.”
Most people think “not taking things personally” means becoming emotionally numb. Detached. Unbothered in a cold, robotic way.
It’s not that. It’s the opposite.
Not taking things personally means having enough empathy and self-awareness to know what’s about you and what’s about them... and letting go of the stuff that isn’t yours to carry.
2. Here’s how to do it:
Step 1: Understand where this actually comes from
I make content online. When something gets traction, the hate comments come. They always come.
For a while, I’d spiral. Screenshot them. Send them to friends. Start typing responses. Delete them. Type again. My brain would loop on it for hours.
One day I told my friend Kevin Espiritu, “You’re so lucky. You don’t get hate comments because your content is so wholesome.” (Kevin runs a big gardening channel.)
He laughed. “What are you talking about? I get hate comments all the time.”
I was confused. “About what? You teach people about plants.”
“I get called ugly, stupid, that my head’s too big, that I don’t know what I’m talking about...”
I asked how he didn’t let them get to him.
He said: “You can only get upset about the things you believe are true. If someone says something that upsets you, that’s a signal to look inward, not outward.”
That shifted everything for me.
The comments that bothered me weren’t random. They were hitting something I was already insecure about. The ones that didn’t land? I didn’t even remember them.
Step 2: Run it through the filter
Now when I get a comment (or feedback, or criticism, or someone acting weird), I ask myself three questions:
Question 1: Is this true?
If it’s not true, I move on. I don’t think about it again.
Someone says “You don’t know what you’re talking about” and I know I’ve done the work? Cool. Not my problem.
Question 2: Does this upset me?
If it’s true but it doesn’t upset me, I also move on.
Someone says “You post a lot about yourself” and yeah, I do, and I’m fine with that? Not a problem.
Question 3: If it upsets me, why?
This is where it gets interesting.
If something is true AND it upsets me, that’s a signal.
Is it something fixable? Is it worth fixing? Do I want to fix it?
If yes, I move toward fixing it.
If no, I accept it and let it go.
Step 3: Separate hate from feedback
There’s a difference between hate and actual feedback... but not as much as you’d think.
Both are coming from the other person’s worldview, experiences, and projections.
The difference is whether it’s coming from someone whose perspective you value.
Examples:
Random internet person says you’re cringe → probably not worth considering
Your partner says they wish you planned more dates → worth listening to
Your boss yells at you because they had a bad day → not about you
A mentor gives you critical feedback on your work → probably worth considering
The framework is the same though:
Is this true? Does this upset me? Why? Is it worth addressing?
Step 4: Look at the whole person and situation
It’s a lot easier to not take things personally when you zoom out and look at someone’s full context.
Example 1: The MIA friend
Two years ago, my best friend died. I went kind of MIA after that. Stopped seeing people. Stopped replying to texts. I only hungout with people who knew her and knew the situation because it was easier than having to explain my grief over and over. It was easier to not have to apologize for being tired, or quiet, or not in the mood to do much.
I reached out to my friend Shaun a couple weeks ago after not seeing him in forever.
His reply: “What is that voice from above? Is that god?”
It made me laugh because I realized then that he got it. He knew I was going through something. He knew my disappearance had nothing to do with him. He wasn’t mad at me, he just missed me.
Example 2: The work criticism
Your boss gives you critical feedback on a project you worked hard on.
You could take it personally: “I’m terrible at my job. They think I’m incompetent. I should just quit.”
Or you could zoom out: Your boss is under pressure from their boss. The company’s going through a rough quarter. They’re stressed and maybe didn’t deliver the feedback well.
The feedback might still be valid—maybe there IS something to improve. But the way it landed had more to do with their stress than your worth.
When you see the full picture, you can extract what’s useful without carrying the emotional weight that isn’t yours.
Example 3: The couple conversation
If your partner asks you to plan more dates or try to keep the house cleaner, that’s not them saying you’re doing something wrong.
It’s them expressing a preference or a need. It has nothing to do with your worth. It’s just information about what would make them feel better.
You can take it personally and spiral, or you can hear it as: “This is what they need to feel good in this relationship.”
Step 5: Recognize that most things aren’t about you
People bring their own:
Insecurities
Past experiences
Bad days
Projections
Worldviews
Triggers
When someone reacts to you, 90% of it is about them.
The critic who says you’re too loud? Maybe they were told to be quiet their whole life.
The person who doesn’t text back? Maybe they’re overwhelmed and can barely text anyone.
The friend who cancels? Maybe they’re going through something you don’t know about.
Your only job is to discern: Is this actually about me? Or is this about them?
Step 6: Build empathy for yourself and others
Not taking things personally doesn’t mean numbing yourself.
It doesn’t mean ignoring feedback.
It doesn’t mean lowering your emotional intelligence.
It means the opposite.
It means having enough empathy and self-awareness to understand:
What’s yours to own
What’s theirs to own
What’s worth addressing
What’s worth letting go
It means being secure enough to hear criticism without spiraling.
And compassionate enough to see that other people are carrying their own stuff too.
Step 7: Decide what’s worth carrying
You don’t have to carry every opinion, every comment, every piece of feedback.
Some things are worth picking up and working on.
Some things are not yours to carry.
The goal isn’t to care about nothing. It’s to care about the right things.
3. Here’s why it works:
Psychology: Most emotional reactions aren’t about the present moment—they’re about old wounds, past experiences, or existing insecurities. When you stop taking things personally, you’re separating the present from the past.
Empathy: Understanding that people are projecting their own stuff onto you makes you more compassionate. It’s not personal because they’re not even seeing the real you—they’re seeing their version of you filtered through their experiences.
Freedom: When you stop needing everyone to like you, approve of you, or validate you, you get your power back. You can make decisions based on what feels right to you, not what keeps everyone else comfortable.
Clarity: The stuff that’s actually about you becomes obvious. When you’re not drowning in everyone else’s projections, you can see the real feedback clearly.
4. Here’s what to avoid:
Don’t confuse “not taking it personally” with not caring at all.
You can still care about people, care about your work, care about doing well. You’re just not letting other people’s opinions dictate your self-worth.
Don’t use it as an excuse to avoid accountability.
If multiple people are telling you the same thing, and it keeps coming up, maybe it’s not “their stuff”—maybe it’s something worth looking at.
“Not taking it personally” doesn’t mean “ignoring all feedback.”
Don’t mistake detachment for emotional numbness.
Being unbothered doesn’t mean not feeling. It means feeling it, processing it, and deciding whether it’s worth holding onto.
You can be hurt in the moment and still choose not to carry it.
Don’t assume everything is about the other person.
Sometimes it IS about you. Sometimes you did mess up. Sometimes the feedback is valid.
The framework helps you figure out which is which.
Don’t shut down all emotional responses.
The goal isn’t to never be affected by anything. The goal is to not spiral over things that aren’t yours to carry.
5. You’ll know it’s working when:
You read a critical comment and your first thought is “Is this true?” instead of “I’m the worst”
A friend cancels plans and you think “They’re probably overwhelmed” instead of “They hate me”
Someone gives you feedback and you can hear it without your chest tightening
You post something online and don’t refresh obsessively waiting for validation
You let things go faster—hours instead of days, minutes instead of hours
You’re more empathetic, not less—because you see that everyone’s carrying their own stuff
You feel lighter because you’re not carrying everyone else’s opinions
6. Now go:
Today, try this:
Next time someone says something that stings—a comment, a text, feedback—pause.
Ask yourself:
Is this true?
Does this upset me?
If yes, why? Is it fixable? Is it worth fixing?
Then decide: Is this mine to carry, or can I let this go?
Start here if you only have 10 minutes:
Think about the last thing someone said that bothered you. Run it through the three questions. See what you learn.
Next Tuesday: The Genius Guide to Becoming More Charming (Without Being Fake)
Talk about timely... thanks for bringing me back from the edge this morning. I know why the client is prickly in his early morning emails, but I still let it get to me. It hit on an old self-worth issue I THOUGHT I had resolved lol - I'm feeling much better after reading hits. MUCH appreciated -